Crucial Conversation

book 35 : Crucial Conversation

  • 2019 Aug, NJ

我在旅游中多多少少交换过一些人的联系方式, 但是离开特定的时间,地点之后就会发现大家的生活也不会再有交集,于是也从来没有真的再联系过那些人,除了苏桓。

我和苏桓在古巴的机场偶遇的,交换了个微信。那个时候她特别可爱,说她要多赚钱了,因为男朋友要10万块的镜头。之后每年大概和她联系一次, 她总是推荐一本她前一年喜欢的书给我。我跟她讲点有趣的事情。关键对话是今年她推荐给我的书。刚好我工作出现一个有意思的小事。

 

 

我一直觉得我在工作上算一个有礼貌,比较好沟通的人。还有一个同事,我看他和别人相处,做事也都很smooth. 但我不知道为什么每次我和他一起工作,气氛就会格外紧张, tense immerse the room. 我也会不自觉的变得非常aggressive, 同时我也感觉他的态度不友好。这本书刚好是对症下药啊!

这本书里说大多数人处理关键对话就两个方法 暴力 (violence)和冷暴力 (silence). 这真的就是我!
我一般都忍,忍不住了就爆发了。
但书里提供的方法就是要尽早解决,不要忍,因为忍不住的,爆发起来更不好解决。

还有就是从自己出发, work on me first.
不要抱怨对方不听或者不好交流什么的,要看看自己说话的方式可不可以温和又坚定
最后就是不要总是道歉, i m sorry, my apology… ,i might not be right…什么的这种话只在需要的时候讲。总讲的话,会让人觉得太whimpy, 懦弱。 当然也不能总凶啊。
要自信的表达自己的观点,不用为自己的观点道歉!生而为人,就是要这么自信!
发脾气的时候要想,我到底要什么? what do i really want here? 解决问题还是吵架,要就是想吵架那就放开了吵,但是要解决问题,那就要缓和气氛,让谈话可以继续进行。 

如果有分歧,可以多用 谢谢开头,然后表达建议
😀thanks for your patients/ info…,☺ however if we consider ….
I m glad you brought x up, it gives us a chance to …

👿wrong, u forgot… ->😄 absolutely right, in addition, i have noticed that …

最后,不管道理有多少,还是要去练习 practice! 我把理论都学好了,准备联系的时候,那个同事就离开公司了…!

🌟Spark Lines

 

How to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance.

if you cant get yourself right, you will have a hard time getting the dialogue right.

dialogue: the free flow of meaning between 2 or more people.

if you handle a seemingly insignificant conversation poorly, you established a pattern of behavior that show’s up in all of your crucial conversations.

不要小看一般的对话,因为我们在平时对话时候表现出来的状态就是关键对话的时候的水平

the only person we can continually inspire, produce and shape with any degree of success -is the person in the mirror.

open yourself to change
avoid sucker’s choice (fight(violence), flight(silence))

present your brain with a more complex problem

force yourself to search more creative and productive solutions

 

how to stand up to the boss without a career suicide?

我看到这句话就想起 三国的贾诩,真的就是经典案例! 曹操问他世子的事,他也不回答,就说我在想事, 想袁绍家的事。 我哪天能修炼到这个境界?

work on me first

remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

everyone argues, it is how you argue that matters.

why do you take the advice, it is because you believe that the other person had your best interest in mind.

low-self-monitor, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times: we speak when we shouldn’t , we do things dont work

step out, make it safe then step back in.

Apologize when appropriate

our version of sotries(villian victim,clever)

crucial conversation – key to healthier and longer life

subjects learned how to express themselves effectively had a higher survival rate.

any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.

don’t push too hard

unclear expectation -> poor job acting 

decide how to decide

avoid whimpy expression: I know this is probably not true….

It is one thing to be humble and open, it’s quite another thing to be clinically uncertain.

we become masters of our won emotions rather than hostage

she refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories

be careful not to apologize for your views!

be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

the fuzzier the expectation, the higher likelihood of disappointment.  

 

one dull pencil is worth 6 sharp minds

好记性不如烂笔头,我看 franklin 都随身带小本子记队形!又有借口买本子了

think harder about your approach

when something bothers you, catch it early

instead of talking the presence of a bad behavior, considering the absence of a good one.

相比较,你怎么老迟到, 或者, 你要是按时见面,我会开心很多,这种表达方式会更好。

Don’t deal with a specific instance, deal with the overall pattern.

不是一句话, 一个事情,是所以的对话!

Never go to bed angry

To improve is to change

Implement what you have learned 

If you want to master the concept teach it to someone else

Self-help talk, mental game

if you really want to improve your ability, Practice.

Practice doesnt make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. (you have to know what to practice.)

反正至少去练了,就不会比现在更差!哈哈

To know and Not to do is really not to know

Celebrate improvement.

Remember the Cost, Focus on the reward.

Happy Reading + Watching Franklin & AC ‘s dance!

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